Mass Production
by Jarc is teh win 8D
Summary: Imagine you just got home It's been a hard day at school slash work slash your mom's house, you boot up the computer, and immediately run to the Twilight section. Oh, but what's this? Aro has a granddaughter? Bella's pregnant? MARYSUES? Another parody?
1. Introduction

Author's Note: Okay, before I get a thousand very stupid people flaming me, I'd like to say this: This is a **PARODY**. So no, I haven't gone crazy, it's supposed to be stupid, and OOC.

General Disclaimer For Whole Story: I do not own Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn/Midnight Sun/Forever Dawn, dog whistles, Cheetos, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Final Fantasy, Hamtaro, McDonalds, Coke, Root Beer, Vampire Kisses (Book Series), Nail Polish Remover, I Know Who Killed Me (Movie), Free will, or Edward's pants.

Claimer: I own Luca (who isn't really a mary-sue, and doesn't look or act like that), Blaine, Aubrey, Kate, and Stephan. No, you can't use them.

General Warnings, I will add more as we go: Sexual references, implied slash (guyxguy), Swearing, minor Jacob bashing, general corniness, and making fun of myself, and every other person who has ever written a Twilight fanfiction.

**Update 11/22/09: This story is extremely old, and really is no longer a valid representation of my writing. There are a lot of mistakes and such and you're free to point them out if you feel the need, but chances are I already know and it's something I've fixed in my current writing. **

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Mass-Production  
Chapter 1  
Introduction

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Imiagine, you just got home. It's been a hard day at school/work/my mom's house/the street corner asking for dimes/laboratory, so you boot up the computer, and head straight for Fanfiction (dot) net. You quickly scamper to the Twilight section, eager to read the new stories that those lazy-asses wrote, honstantly, don't you people have _lives_ to get to? No? Oh...okay.

Anyway, you scan the page, only to find that every story has something to do Aro's granddaughter, because of course Vampires can have children, Bella being pregnant, because even though Edward would kill her they screwed eachother anyway, or Edward leaving Bella, which, btw, he promised he'd never do again, or Bella forgetting absoloutly everything AND being pregnant, even though it's impossible to forget everything that's happened to you, for more then a few hours, and that can only happen to middle-aged people anyway, and mary-sues!

'Wow,' You think to yourself, 'have a horde of very stupid and bloodthirsty alien monkey potatos taken over FF?'

No, unfortunately, they have not. These people actually call themselves "Humans," whatever that is. All I know is that I, Luca Trinity, daughter of Billy Black and Bill Gates, super-rich and absoloutly beautiful, and all-powerful witch, must stop th-

"Why the hell is a mary-sue nagging mary-sues?" A random voice suddenly yelled, and Luca quickly bashed them over the head with a shovel.

"SHUT UP! THIS IS MY STORY!" She screamed at the, possibly dead, body. She quickly turned around, smiling again. "As I was saying, I, Luca Trinity, must stop them!" She nodded, satisfied, and ran off before the fanfic writers, who were all really just crazy female teenagers who wanted to make out with Edward Cullen, could burn her at the stake for making fun of them.

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"Wow." Bella whispered, staring at Jacob Black's half sister. "How can two guys have a kid?" She suddenly pondered, looking up at her vampire boyfriend, Aubrey Firth. They got together shortly after Edward left. Again. Even though Edward promised he wouldn't leave.

"Dunno," Was Aubrey's quiet response, because Aubrey was always quiet. And gothic. So therefore he worships Satan. Because he likes black. Damn atheists.

"HEYHEYHEY! WHY ARE YOU FILMING THEM FILM ME! FILMME!" Luca screamed, jumping up and down insanely, trying to grab the camera, "I'm cooler! And I'm wearing a cape, who doesn't love capes?!!??!" She continued to scream, but no one paid any attention. Though she could've sworn she heard the (possibly) dead body from before sceam, "No one likes a mary-sue!"

"SHUTUPMYSTORY! WHERE'S THE DAMN CAMERA!?!?!" She then began running around in circles, like a chicken with it's head cut off.

"Wow." Bella whispered, staring at Jacob Black's half sister, again. "Seriously, how can two guys have a kid?" And looked up at her vampire boyfriend again, all though this time it was Edward Cullen, because he suddenly decided to re-appear and though Bella has a brand new life and is completely different then before, she fell back in his arms anyway.

"Whatever." He responded, because as we all know Edward says whatever.

"OHEDWARDILOVEYOUMAKELOVETOME!" She screamed out of no where, and Edward, being the gentleman he is was about to comply when he realized it hadn't been Bella screaming. It was the fangirls.

"Oh shit." He whispered, and took off.

"OMCEDWARDEDWARDEDWARD! ILOVEYOU!" The same girl yelled, and rushed off after him, and they were followed by insane rabid fangirls, all screaming. "ILOVEYOU! YOU'REHOT! CANIHAVEYOURHALFVAMPIEBABIES?"

"Oh..." Bella murmured, sadly. Her boyfriend just ran off to be with a thousand other woman. Oh well! Where'd that Aubrey kid go again?

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OMC! Where'd all these fangirls come from?

"I love you!" Someone shouted, and suddenly the mob and Edward just stopped. That hadn't been a fan_girl_ screaming...

"Ja...Jacob?" Edward asked hesitently, looking out over the crowd.

"Edward!" Jacob screamed, popping out from behind a weird 30-something year old with a bad haircut.

"Jacob!" He screamed and threw himself at the warewolf, "Oh, Jacob! I love you too!"

"Hey...wanna go make half-vampire, half-warewolf babies?" Jacob asked suddenly, and Edward nodded excitedly. And then they fell to the ground, making out. CARNAGE OF THE MOUTH. MAJOR CARNAGE OF THE MOUTH!

Bella sighed, leaning against her old new boyfriend Aubrey.

Bella's Mind:_ Aubrey must me worried about me, having to watch my old true love and my old best friend practically screwing with their clothes on. _

Aubrey's mind: _I wonder if they're interested in a threesome..._

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Author's Note: Eheh...I kinda got carried away...

Fangirl translations:

OHEDWARDILOVEYOUMAKELOVETOME - OH EDWARD I LOVE YOU, MAKE LOVE TO ME!

OMCEDWARDEDWARDEDWARD! ILOVEYOU! - OMC EDWARD EDWARD EDWARD! I LOVE YOU!

ILOVEYOU! YOU'REHOT! CANIHAVEYOURHALFVAMPIEBABIES? - I LOVE YOU! YOU'RE HOT! CAN I HAVE YOUR HALFVAMPIRE BABIES?


	2. I Don't Get It

Also: I do not own Twilight/New Moon/Eclipse/Breaking Dawn/Midnight Sun/Forever Dawn, dog whistles, Cheetos, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Final Fantasy, Hamtaro, McDonalds, Coke, Root Beer, Vampire Kisses (Book Series), Nail Polish Remover, I Know Who Killed Me (Movie), Free will, or Edward's pants.

Also, Also: I own Luca (who isn't really a mary-sue, and doesn't look or act like that), Blaine, Aubrey, Kate, and Stephan. No, you can't use them.

Also, Also, Also: Sexual references, implied slash (guyxguy), Swearing, minor Jacob bashing, general corniness, and making fun of myself, and every other person who has ever written a Twilight fanfiction.

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Mass-Production  
Chapter Two  
I Don't Get It...

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"Okay, so where'd we leave off again…?"

"Jacob and Edward just started making out…"

"Right…so what happens next?"

"I don't know! We have come up with something…"

"How about…we introduce another OC?"

"How do we do that?"

"How we do everything else."

"Make it up as we go along?"

"-Nodding-"

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Also, Also, Also, Also: If you have not read any of the three books don't read on because I will completely ruin them for you. Instead, you should scream at the top of your lungs and run as fast as your scrawny legs will carry you. Bye!

P.S. There are so many inside jokes in this chapter I can't even believe it. If you don't get anything tell me, because chances are you have no clue what "conversing politely" means or why the hell Edward having Jacob's child is so hilarious. I think this chapter is more "wtf?" then the last. That one was more "OMGIMADEAFUNNY."

P.P.S. There's more GAYNESS in this chapter if your offended by such, LEAVE.

P.P.P.S. Oh and –

"WOULD YOU SHUT UP?!" A loud, obnoxious person by the name of Aubrey suddenly shouted, smacking the authoress upside her head. "ON TO THE STORY."

"Shut up, Aubrey!"

"You shut up!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"Ugh! You're so immature." Luca, our favorite mary-sure, screeched. "This is my –child block- story!" Suddenly, she turned away from the weird dude by the name of Aubrey and the idiot by the name of Sara, smiling. "Let's go find my half-brother and his boyfriend-husband-bitch thingie." She said excitedly, nodding.

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"Omg, that dude is so hot." A random girl from CANADA said suddenly. The girl, we'll just call her Heroine for no real reason (really!) said, staring at Jacob's, admittedly attractive, boyfriend.

It was a random day in CANADA, and Heroine had decided to stop at McDonalds. Who knew she'd meet THE most sought after male in the world, Edward Cullen? Well, technically she was staring dreamily, not meeting. No, I don't believe there was any meeting involved. DAMN CANADIANS. They have a chance to talk to the hottest dude in existence and they just sit there with they're fancy pineapple crush.

"I'd liked to converse politely with him…" A creepy, (male?) voice whispered silently. Wait…what. "Whisper silently?" how the hell can you say something silently? It's like…like a parodox. Paradox. w/e.

"Goo Everly!" Heroine shouted suddenly, causing Edward Cullen and Jacob Black, his friend in the trench coat, to stare.

Edward, curious as always, tried to read the girl's mind. Perhaps, like Alice, she had escaped a mental intuition and needed to be returned immediately. Or maybe, she had brain damage and needed to brought back to the hospital. Edward could've spent all day coming up with other places where this girl probably belonged, except for the fact he couldn't name anything else from the top of his head and he was (much like the authoress) too lazy to actually think about it.

But, anyway, when Edward tried to read the CANADIAN'S mind, he was met with…nothing. It wasn't like Bella had been, there was just…nothing. The girl had no mind. _Did she leave it the gutter?_ He wondered vaguely, but his friend in the trench coat quickly grabbed their food and dragged him off before he could really think about it.

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"Jakey-Wakey! Eddie-Weddie!" Luca suddenly tackled "Jakey-Wakey" screeching like the moron she was. "where hav u ben ths whle time?!?!?? dos ti rly tak 6 hors ta get burgers???" Jacob and Edward stared for a few seconds, unable to decipher this alien language that Luca seemed to be talking in.

What was wrong with these people today? Why must girl's be so confusing? How did all those people who used chatspeak keep their eyes from bleeding?

"Screw you, bitch." Edward said, glaring at the girl. He had no clue what she just said, but he was pretty sure it was about his Jakey getting cut up into little bite size pieces and being eaten. And werewolves can't be hot (or THE EDWARD CULLEN'S BOYFRIEND) if they're cut up into little pieces. He then proceeded to do some weird snappy thing that no one really gets, no matter how much they claim to, and grabbed Jacob's hand, brushing past her.

* * *

"I don't get it." Aubrey declared, shaking his head.

"0mg y m I takin lyk dis?" Luca looked quite scared, and began shaking Aubrey frantically. "mak ti stp! I cnt stp! y? y cnt i stp?!?!"

"Shut up, you stupid salsa newb! Let me go!" He was shaking like a dog does when it's wet, trying to get her the hell OFF.

"I'm not a salsa newb!" She protested. But don't listen to her. I've never seen a bigger salsa newb. "…Hey! It stopped!"

**_

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THAT'SITTHEENDSHOW'SOVERGOAWAY. _**

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Crap I stole:

Almost everything in this chapter is from Twilightdom. It's the first on the forums list. If you want to know specifically what belongs to who, review/PM me. If you want actual credit for something tell me and I shall give.


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